Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A vent....don't feel you have to read....alot of negativity....

I've been hesitant to write too much here lately. I honestly don't know what is going on, if it's just me or what, but I have been in such a funk lately. Every time I start to feel a little better I feel like something comes flying in and knocks me back down again.

In no way do I want to come on here and be all negative and bring every one else down or make it seem like I am fishing for compliments or being a drama queen or anything so I have just stayed pretty quiet....maybe that's the wrong thing to do though too, maybe I do just need to sit down and write it all out, vent away and then maybe I'll feel better. I don't know.

Where do I even start....there's the stress of K's job. He missed the last round of lay offs by eleven months...they laid off everyone who had been working there for less than 12 years and he had been there for 12 years and 11 months. We were so thankful that he decided to graduate early and go right to work! They had another meeting after that saying that there was a pay freezed for this year, no bonuses, fine he still has a job, not a big deal. Well, yesterday he comes home and says that they had another meeting and they are only working four day weeks now, Fridays off. It's getting scary, how long until they decide they are going to shut down completely...my two daycare families can not support us, no way we could make the bills.

Then there have been the health issues...nothing major but just enough to get a person down and really feeling tough. K or the kids shared whatever stomach bug had been going around and my stomach was just beginning to feel better when I started with another issue....and my back has still been bothering me with my hip out. Add to that me falling down the icy front steps on my bottom yesterday morning and it's been so much "fun". Today is the best I have felt for a while now, but I still have a nagging soreness in my back, which I am guessing is from the fall since I really didn't lift anything yesterday.

And maybe it's all that getting me down, but I feel that I have done something to offend my best friend. He (yes, my best friend is a guy....no there is nothing else going on....sorry just another conversation I am tired of having to have and explain things....and my mood.....) anyway, he has been rather quiet and not talking much to me at all, almost feel like I am being avoided. I know that he has some issues going on with family at home too, but just feels "off" does that make any sense? I ABSOLUTELY HATE offending and/or disappointing anyone, but ESPECIALLY him! He is older than I am and I look up to him in many more ways than just a best friend. I look to him as an example, he is honestly more like the big brother I never had and is such a strong Christian that he makes me want to have that kind of walk with the Lord and that kind of relationship. He is also a very talented musician and as I struggle through piano lessons and trying to sing in church, again, he is my example to follow and lately I don't feel like I have been doing a very good job in either one of these areas. I honestly just feel like a failure. It hurts so bad to think that I have done something to hurt anyone, but especially him, and I have no idea what or how to fix it! I just feel stuck!

I am struggling in my Awana group. My problem child from two years ago is in my group again and I feel that I have to take more time to discuss issues/discipline/deal with her and I am so not enjoying my time with the kids this year. Last week was a little better because the group that I share with another leader was so small and I got to go and float to two other groups and take pictures in the Sparks game time.

I haven't even felt much like editing my pictures or really taking any pictures. I just feel pretty down right now. I don't know what to do, I'm giving it to God and hoping that there is something to learn from all of this. I don't see it right now, but I am sure that God has a plan.

Sorry if you have wasted time reading all of this blahness! Honestly, if I can figure out how I am going to disable comments for this post too, I didn't write it so I could get people to feel sorry for me, I am hoping that just getting it all out will make it a little easier to deal with....

No comments: